Loss is a part of life, as is grief and bereavement. Knowing that doesn't make it any easier however. The thing about grief though is that we never feel like we know how to "do it right". It hurts so much and we are never sure how we should express it. There is no right one way to express it. Every loss will be unique to each and every person it effects. It is always going to be about working out what works best for YOU. Hopefully this next Q&A from my blog, thesuncameouttoplay, will help you understand grief from a perspective that you can relate to. Also the other thing about grief we find really hard, is knowing what to say to someone else when they are grieving.
Q&A:
Anonymous asked: hey Sjana, my grandad passed away this week and im trying my best to cope. im still going to college and trying to carry on as normal, but im struggling although I don't want to make a fuss. my friends have been lovely and tried cheering me up. my nanna is being strong for us all. im one of the youngest of 10 grandchildren and its really hit me hard as I was very close with my grandad. do you have any advice on how to cope or what to do because im stuck?x
Response: Oh I am so sorry for your loss. I lost two grandparents in the last 18 months and I’m not sure i coped “well” with either loss…. but I guess that’s because there is really no right or wrong way to experience the loss, especially as everyone’s relationship with that person is unique. So the loss you are feeling is not more or less than any other family member’s loss - just different. So embrace that uniqueness and difference and slowly over time you will develop a “new way” of experiencing the love and closeness with your Grandad. My Mum told me about a “grief program” they have for children where you look at your loss in terms of the 4 seasons. it starts with Autumn - the time of sudden change and loss you have to adjust to, then comes Winter which is the coldest, darkest and bleakest times. Often we can feel this “winter” feeling weeks after a loss - like it suddenly just hits us that they are really gone. Then comes Spring - the time of new beginnings, new relationships, and a new way of getting through each day. Finally Summer, when life is good again, and cheery and positive and emotionally warm. The best thing about looking at grief through the seasons is that it allows us to be real about our feelings at any given time and NOT be locked into the right way to “cope”. Just like we can have an unusually warm Spring-like day in the middle of Winter, and a bitterly cold and miserable day in the middle of Summer, we can have really down and sad, teary moments even when things are amazingly good, or we can catch ourselves smiling and laughing about something else or a really happy memory, during some of our saddest and darkest times. I hope that makes sense. It just means listen to your emotions and heart, and also your family and friends. Just do what you are doing to get through each day. If “talking” to your Grandad (to yourself or out loud) helps, do it. Write him a letter, keep a journal, draw a picture, put together a collage of photos, hug people and let them hug you, cry, laugh, reminisce, wrap yourself in one of his old jumpers, or drink from his teacup…. Maybe you can choose an item of clothing or a special momento of sorts that you could keep. Maybe you could buy or make a special momento to keep - with Christmas coming up (if you celebrate Christmas) personalise an ornament to hang on the tree every year from now on. Think about hanging it on your tree in 15 years time and telling your own kids stories about your Grandad and why you have a special ornament for him. Do something in his name - not necessarily immediately - but maybe think about how down the track you might support a charity or face a challenge. Stay strong. My heart and thoughts are with you. Sjana xx
Asked: my dog is going to be put down tomorrow morning and i dont know why im telling you but shes 15 and i love her and im sad and i dont want everyone else to be sad
Response: I admire you for both your strength and your sadness !! You have such a beautiful soul. Sending you a telepathic hug and know you will be in my thoughts today!
Love and light,
Sjana x